Death Note Summer Road Trip Fun!
by Happy Lil' Tidbit
Summary: In honour of summer, the Death Note characters decide to go on a summer road trip :although they're not sure exactly why:. Will they survive a summer filled with orphans, cop chases, tourist attractions, and the Mickey D's of Doom! Read to find out!
1. Why Fanfictions Beat Death Notes

Chapter 1: Why Fanfictions Beat Death Notes

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. (But how I wish I own L. . . )

**A/N: Hello, everybody! Welcome to my Fanfiction Summer Special! I decided to take a break from Naruto to bring you a fanfiction for my other favorite anime/manga Death Note! I've been meaning to put one up for a while, but I didn't really get around to it before now. I HAVE DIVERSITY! FEAR ME!** **BWA HA HA!! So enjoy.**

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Why it happened, nobody knew for sure. Maybe stress and the intensity of the sun's rays had finally gotten to them all. Maybe they decided that it was time for a break. However, the most likely reason of all was that an average human had come across a story site while bored on the internet one day. That human had come across Fanfiction, a force that would make a Death Note look like a blessing to a vast majority of fictional characters. For you see, with Fanfiction, one can make a fictional character do whatever it is that you wish them to do without word or reason, and they would all be powerless to stop you. You can enroll L and Light into Hogwarts, make Misa's real identity be a drag queen on the run from the workers of Disneyland. Hell, you can even make Near carry Mello's ass baby if you felt like it (Or better yet, make it the other way around. It would be funnier if you think about it).

Anyway, what this Fanfiction had bid the characters of Death Note to do was fairly simple; have the most memorable characters go on a summer road trip.

"Yay! A road trip!" Misa cried out happily. "Won't it be fun, Light?!"

"No," Light replied as he cursed the fact that L was coming with them, leaving no convenient time or place for knocking people off via the Death Note. He could have probably snuck by if L slept and didn't have that creepy habit of staring at him all day everyday –

"Hey, how come you get to drive, Ryuuzaki?!" Misa wailed as L climbed into the bus and "sat" on the driver's seat, pulling Light away from his thoughts.

"Because I said so," L replied in his dead pan tone of voice.

"But you can't reach the pedals if you sit like that!" Misa pointed out.

"I am quite aware of that, Misa," L told her.

"Well, what are you going to do about it?!"Misa asked sharply.

"Conveniently placed orphan."

Misa stood there confused. "What?!"

"Conveniently placed orphan," L said again. "There is a boy from Wammy House who is interested in becoming my heir, so I have decided to see what use he could be."

"This doesn't seem legal, L," a voice said from the space between the chair and the pedals.

"Near, if you want to become my heir, you are going to have to pull your weight and make yourself useful."

"Whatever you say, Boss,"

"Ryuuzaki, do you even have a license?"

"Est que ce 'license'?"

"What do you mean, 'What's a license'?!" Light yelled as he hauled his suitcase into the compartment thing on the side of the bus. "You kind of need one to drive!"

L pointed down. "Near is manning the pedals and he is in possession of one."

"Yeah, but you have the wheel!"

"Light-kun, I am seriously the only one capable of driving the bus," L began to explain. "Near doesn't sit the way other people do either and he is allergic to sunlight, Misa will be distracted by you and she isn't the brightest Crayola in the box, so there is a 72 chance of her crashing the bus or getting into some sort of accident, and if you drive, Misa will drive you crazy and you will yell at her, then I will say something and then we will get into an argument and then I will kick you in the face and you will punch me in the face and then there will be a 92 chance of you getting us into an accident, and your Shinagami friends can't drive for obvious reasons."

"Shinagami . . . ?" Light turned around and saw both Ryuuk and Rem flying towards them wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts. "Dammit! People aren't used to floating summer holiday wear, Ryuuk! Take it off!"

"Aww . . . you never let me have any fun," Ryuuk complained as he took off his sunglasses. "Can I have an apple?"

"Sure," L replied. "Light, get him an apple."

"You can see him?!" Light cried.

"Yes."

"Then aren't you supposed to be dead by now?!"

"This story is not really based on the canon storyline, so I think facts like that are abandoned as soon as humanly possible." Then he added, "Yeah, it surprised me too."

"Does this mean I can kill people?!"

"As long as you refrain from killing me, do not get too carried away."

"Can we go now?!" Ryuuk and Misa asked as Misa jumped up and down in excitement.

"Does everybody have everything?" L asked.

Near looked up. "Well, actually I forgot my – "

"Okay, then. Get in everybody. This is a good time to get moving. We do not want to find ourselves stuck in rush hour traffic."

"Yay!" Misa cried out in delight as she grabbed Light's arm and dragged him on the bus.

"Are we home yet?" he asked miserably as the Shinagami boarded. L started up the engine and pulled out of the driveway before he drove down the street, beginning their long and winding summer road trip.

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**A/N: That's chapter one! L's so mean to Near XP. It gets better (and hopefully longer in chapter length) as the story goes on, because then I can make fun of rest stops and tourist attractions.** **Please review!!**


	2. Hitchhikers

Chapter 2: Hitchhikers

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

**A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry about the wait. Some family stuff came up (and as a result, I'm moving again. Only this time, eight hours away! XP) so, yeah. This proves that I have at least put some time into my writing duties. (My little sister was appalled at this, considering the circumstances.) Chapter 3's almost done too, so it should be up soon, then it's gonna be another wait probably until August (unless I manage to kick my cousins off their computer). At least it's not this humid where I'm going, which could explain why I've been able to write so much.**

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"Are we going to the Big Apple?" Ryuuk asked hopefully from the back seat.

"Do you mean New York?" Light asked.

"New York?" Ryuuk repeated as if confused. "No, I mean the Big Apple."

"What are you talking about?"

"There's a giant apple somewheres up in Canada!" Ryuuk cried out as giddily as a school boy.

"Are you sure that isn't some urban myth that's been going around?" Misa asked. "Like Bigfoot, or the Loch Ness Monster, or that cell phones can pop popcorn?"

"That's a myth?!" Rem cried. "Everything I know is a lie!"

"No, it's real," Ryuuk replied. "Saw it from the Shinagami Realm." He looked into space and had a dreamy look of remembrance on his face. "It was the most beautiful sight. . . ."

L suddenly kicked Near under the dashboard. "Red light. Hit the brakes."

'Did you really have to kick me?"

"Yes. I'll kick again when it turns green."

"Now that you mention it, Canadians do have a strange habit of building giant monuments to random things," Rem cut in. "Beavers, nickels, Mounties, beer . . . . "

"Ow! What was that for?!" Near shouted.

"Hitchhikers. I want to pick them up."

"Hitchhikers are dangerous, Ryuuzaki!" Light shouted.

"Don't worry, I know them," L explained.

"What?!" Light looked out the window and had to do a double take. Standing there on the side of the road was Mello and Mat wearing Bermuda shorts and thong sandals. Mello had a pair of sunglasses perched on top of his head and held his thumb out, whereas Mat was smoking a cigarette and held a sign that said, "Twine Ball or Bust".

"There topless . . . " Misa squeaked out in a hormone-driven voice.

"Near, hit the brakes."

"Who are we letting on?"

"Mello and Mat."

The bus suddenly gained speed.

"I said brakes!" L yelled as he kicked Near repeatedly.

"And I say, forget it!" Near retorted. "Mat can come on with no problem, but if you think I'm letting Mello on, you've got another thing coming!"

"Near, you hit the brakes right now, or your little friend, Optimus Prime, is going to have a chance encounter with Mr. Bonfire!"

The bus came to a screeching halt. "You are evil."

"Yes, but what do you plan to do about it?"

"Ryuuk? Rem?"

"Sorry, kid. You're on your own."

"Whatever."

The door opened and Mat and Mello boarded on. Mello suddenly stopped and a wide grin spread across his face. He started laughing uncontrollably as he pointed at Near.

"Ryuuk? Please kill me," Near said.

"Nah," Ryuuk replied. "I don't feel like it right now. Can I pencil you in for next Thursday?"

"Never mind."

"I-I can't b-believe it!" Mello cried through tears of laughter."I am so glad that it's you and not me!"

"And I'm glad that I'm not you either," Near said. "I never was fond of facial scars."

"Look, you little, girlie man, I – "

"Let's sit down," Mat suggested as he grabbed Mello's arm and led him toward a seat. It was too late to end the fight peacefully though, because apparently, nobody called Near a "little, girlie man" and got away with it.

"You son of a – "

L hit the horn on the bus to block out the swears that protruded from Near's mouth. Then Near dragged himself out from under the dash and stood up. "Do you want to fight?!"

"Good thing I turned off the ignition."

"Of course," Mello answered. "After all, I have the advantage; you can't walk!"

"Dammit!"

"So that means that I can move around freely when you try to hit me, or better yet . . . " he smiled and pulled out his gun.

"No weapons!" L shouted. "And Mello, don't you even think about shooting him – "

"L! You finally realize the value of my existence in your life!"

" – because I don't have anybody else to press down on the pedals for me. Speaking of which, get back here. I want to get going."

Near sweat dropped. "It's a start."

"Now do you see why hitchhiking is dangerous?!" L yelled.

L thought for a minute and said, "No comment."

"What's the twine ball?" Misa asked from the seat behind Mat as the school bus started to move.

"Just what it sounds like," Mat replied as he lit up another cigarette. "It's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota."

"That better not interfere with our Big Apple arrangements," Ryuuk declared in a threatening tone of voice.

"We can probably fit both of them in," Light said.

"You guys going to the airport?" Mello asked as he sat down beside Mat.

"Not with the price of tickets nowadays," L replied.

"Then how are we going to get there?" Mello asked. "We're in Japan and the Big Apple and The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota are both in North America."

"We're going to drive."

"That's impossible! To get there, you have to cross over miles and miles of water and you can't drive over water!"

"Fanfiction," Light moaned in response.

Mello's eyes grew wide. "Oh." Then he got up and sat down at the back of the bus, as far away from Mat and Near as possible. "This will not turn into one of _those_."

"Smart move," Light said. "But I don't think this will turn into that though. The authour doesn't seem like a yaoi shipper."

"Thank God!" every other male on the bus exclaimed.

"I'm still going to be over here and on the safe side though," Mello announced. "So we're going to the Big Apple?"

"If you mean the giant piece of fruit, then yes," Ryuuk said.

"Yeah, Me and Mat have been there before."

"Is it really as great as it looks?!"

Mello looked at the smiling Death God with the knowledge that he could kill him at anytime within the time limit of twenty-three days waving in front of him like a flag. He decided that instead of telling the truth (which would be that after an hour or so you get bored and want to go home) he would lie. He smiled and slowly nodded his head. "It's great! You'll love it, Ryuuk!"

"Is it edible?!"

"Oh, yes! It's incredibly edible! They had to carve out the inside so that people can go inside it though."

"Alright!"

"Where else have you been?" Misa asked.

"Turtle farms, Cranberry World, forest reserves for albino squirrels, wax museums, scorpion ranches, Elvis-O-Rama, the Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, the remains of that one restaurant that sold human meat pies, French Poodle Rock, flea circuses, that place where you can drive through the middle of a tree . . . "

"Good times," Mello said. "We never did go anywhere normal, did we?"

"We go to the Wammy House reunion when we can," Mat said. "Only to make sure that we still keep the record for the Most Trouble Making Orphans, though."

"How many times did old man Watari have to get his pills changed because of us?"

Mat shrugged. "Lost count."

"Of course," Near said. "Drove that poor guy right up the wall. You know, he used both your pictures as his dart board for the longest time."

"Hey, Near? Remember that one time I wallpapered you to the girl's bathroom wall with My Little Pony wallpaper and you cried and cried until it gave Mat a headache and he got you out?"

" . . . Shut up, Mello."

"That was you?!" L cried. "I laughed for days! And then I never laughed again . . . . "

"Hey! Does anybody want to play a game?!" Misa asked.

"What kind of game?" Rem asked.

"Well, it's called the Game of Life."

"Forget it, Misa," Light said. "All the little pieces would fly everywhere and we've got nowhere to put the board."

"No, no! It's a psychology game!"

L and Near pulled the bus over and everybody turned and stared in silent shock at the blonde model. Mat even choked on his cigarette.

"Did you say what I think you just said?" Light asked as Mat turned blue in the face from lack of oxygen. "About playing a psychology game?"

'Choking . . . help . . . ."

Misa nodded energetically. "Yep! My friend taught it to me and after I asked her about it fifty or so times, I eventually got the hang of it, so now I can be the interpreter!"

"Don't worry," L said as he started up the bus again. "I know this game, so if she's confused about something, I can help her out."

"Okay, then," Light said.

Misa clapped. "Yay! Okay, so close your eyes and picture yourself walking down a road."

Light reluctantly closed his eyes. "Yeah, and . . . ?"

"Okay, now what does this road look like? Is it narrow or wide? Does it have any turns or is it straight?"

"It's straight, but it has a lot of rocks and stuff in the way and it's kind of cracked."

"That's the Road of Life!" Misa cried out happily. She looked up in thought. "Straight roads mean that you have a good sense of what you want to do with your life, but the rocks mean that it's probably difficult and annoying at times."

"Oh, it is," Light said as he sent a malicious stare towards L and Near. "What's next?"

"As you're walking, you come across a key on the road. What does the key look like and what do you do with it?"

"It looks like an everyday kind of key," Light said. "Maybe there's a bit of 'oomph' to it. I pick it up and I continue walking down the road."

"That was the Key of Knowledge!" Misa explained. "Since you say that it's ordinary, but it has a bit of 'oomph' to it, you probably think of knowledge as something ordinary, but some of it interests you more. And since you picked it up, it's important to you."

"Okay, then. What's next?"

"You come to a cup. What does it look like and what do you do with it?" Misa asked looking more interested in Light's response than ever.

"I don't know. It's some regular, everyday cup and I kicked it out of the way."

Misa's jaw dropped. "That was the Cup of Love!" she wailed. "And what you just said means that you aren't interested in love at all and you're going to have a terrible love life!"

"That's true," Light said calmly.

"But what about us?!"

Light shrugged. "What's next?"

"You come to a tree. What does the tree look like?" Misa asked, five inches away from Light's face.

"It looks kind of dead . . . and small . . . and shriveled . . . and – Why the hell are you laughing, Ryuuzaki?!"

L, red-faced, turned to Misa and stifled his laughter long enough to say, "Go on. Tell him."

Misa backed away and looked slightly embarrassed and disgusted. "Light . . . that was the Tree of Sex."

Light's eyes snapped open and grew so wide that they took up half of his red-with-embarrassment face. "No! End of game! The end! No more!" he shouted over the howls of laughter. "Stop laughing, dammit!"

"Light's gonna die a virgin!" Mello taunted through his tears.

"Oh, shut up!"

"Next, you come to a wall," Misa continued, ignoring Light's outbursts of disapproval.

"No! Game over! I'm not playing anymore! Go bug Near! He's supposed to be tormented! Not me!"

"Thanks for the support, Divine Master of Crappy, Dead Trees."

"I said, _shut up_!"

"How come you're not laughing, Mat?" Mello asked. He his eyes darted around the bus looking for him and found him in an unconscious heap on the floor. "Oh . . . . You'll be okay."

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**A/N: And that's chapter 2! And to clear up on the Game of Life, the Tree of Sex determines what your sex life would be ****IF**** you had one. It does not mean that you ever had sex (and I am not telling you to do so), or that you're a virgin, or whatever. And after the Tree is the Wall of Death, which is as high as forever, as thick as forever, goes to the right forever, and goes to the left forever, and determines what you will do when death comes knocking (For all you people who want to wow your friends with this. I actually scared off a substitute teacher with it once. He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the time he was in the class). And I own no places mentioned in this fanfiction. Please review! **


	3. Mickey D's

Chapter 3: Mickey D's

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note and I thankfully do not own the McDonald's mentioned in this chapter.

**A/N: Moral of the story: Do not go to the Mickey D's in Barrie, Canada. You'll know it when you see it. It is as big as it is a pain in one's derriere. And for the record, they aren't in Canada yet, just at a duplicate of the really crappy burger bar.**

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"Seventy-seven!" Mello cried out as he carefully pushed another cigarette in Mat's mouth.

"What's the record for this?" Light asked, slightly disgusted, but at the same time, slightly amused.

Mat let out a muffled response.

"What?"

"Ninety-nine," Mello translated. "We're trying to get to one hundred. We would have gotten there sooner, because we had four cartons of twenty-five cigarettes, but Mat smoked one earlier, so he screwed it up. Seventy-eight."

"Why?"

"Because Mat wants to now what it feels like to smoke one hundred cigarettes at the same time. Seventy-nine."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

Mello stopped and pointed to Mat's face. "Don't worry; he's wearing goggles."

"He can smoke them all at once, but his head has to be sticking out of the bus window," L told them.

"Can we take a picture, though?" Mello asked as he pulled out a digital camera. (One of the pictures on it was taken at the funeral they held for Mat's Polaroid.)

"You had a camera and you didn't take a picture of Light's face when he found out about the tree?!" Ryuuk cried out. "That was Facebook material!"

"I was laughing too hard," he replied in defense.

"Oh, yeah. . . ."

"New subject, please!" Light said.

"Whatever. Eighty."

"Do you want to go to the drive-thru for food?" L asked.

"Okay," Light said. "Where?"

"A McDonalds is coming up," he replied, unaware of the doom that would befall them due to this decision.

"Sounds good."

A few minutes later, they arrived at the Mickey D's only to discover that despite it's size, there was no drive-thru to be found. They all decided that they should go inside to eat, but there was also a severe lack of parking spaces.

"Don't worry," Mello said. "Me and Mat know exactly what to do. Take those death sticks out of your mouth, Mattycake, we've got things to hot-wire!"

Mat took the cigarettes out of his mouth and hastily stuffed them into the little boxes before he followed Mello into the lot. After they succeeded in finding a car that didn't beep at them when they got too close, Mello took out a bobby pin, unlocked a door and got inside. They then took out the bottom of the dashboard and connected the blue wire to the yellow one and drove it into the "Cars Will Be Towed Away at Driver's Own Expense" zone. Then they put the dash back together just like when they found it, hopped out and rushed back to the school bus.

"Thank you," L said before he parked into the newly available spot, scratching the paint on what looked like a new and awfully expensive sports car. "That wasn't us."

"We should really go somewhere else," Light suggested. "It's probably packed, judging by the number of cars here."

"No, we should stay here," Misa insisted.

"Misa, it would be better if we found another place to eat."

"No, it wouldn't, because I NEED THE BATHROOM NOW!"

There was silence throughout the crowd, then they each got off the bus quickly, deciding that the McDonalds that they were currently at was an ideal place to take a break.

"Can I come?" Near asked hopefully.

" . . . No," L replied. "Besides, you don't walk and nobody's going to carry you."

"Can you at least get me something?"

"If I remember, I'll think about it."

"Promise?"

" . . . No."

Near looked down in disappointment as the rest of the group (including the Shinigami) walked over to the Mickey D's. When they got inside and caught glimpse of how many people were in line for the six registers however, their jaws hit the ground and they all sweat dropped (except for Ryuuk who laughed at the others' misfortune).

"Could there be anymore people shoved up in here?!" Mello cried out. "There isn't even enough room to breathe!"

"Where are the bathrooms?" Misa asked. Then she noticed the bathroom sign way over on the other side of the sea of people. "Was the guy who designed this place on crack, or something?!"

"It's a possibility," L said.

"Do they sell apples here?" Ryuuk asked.

"They do, actually," Light told him. "It's part of their "healthy eating" ploy. They're not real, though."

"What do you mean, 'not real'?"

"They're chock-full of preservatives and crap to keep them from turning brown and stuff. You're better off eating the plastic bag it comes in."

"That's all? Boy, Light, you had me scared there for a minute! The way you were going on, I thought they were made out of wax, or something!"

Over at the bathrooms, Misa was facing problems of her own. She was just about to go in when someone from behind tapped her on the shoulder.

"Back of the line, Missy," a woman said, and pointed to the long line of other women that ended a long way off over at the far off candy machines.

"And some of the toilets are broken, so it's going to take even longer," Rem pointed out.

"Well, this sucks."

XXX

"Aw, will this line move already?!" Mat groaned. So far in the line, the boys had witnessed every kind of difficult customer known to man. There was the customer who didn't know what to order and couldn't decide between a Big Mac and a chicken sandwich, the customer who had to explain to the cashier how to do his job and everyone else's, the customer who had a big purse and it took five minutes to find their checkbooks or credit cards and when the cashier told them that they only took cash, it took them a lifetime to find ten dollars and thirty-two cents in change, and the customer who was best well-known for his ability to order everything off the menu and top it off with a Diet Coke.

"What the hell's the point?" Light asked, completely disgusted.

"Did everybody plan for this?" L wondered.

"It wouldn't surprise me."

"Hey, look! The line's moving – oh, wait, she has to go through her purse. . . ."

They all groaned in hunger-endorsed agony.

XXX

In the bus, Near was bored and hungry. He knew full well that L wouldn't get him anything to eat, let alone a Happy Meal toy.

"Oh, if only I had a chance to walk in the series," he said to himself, "and one cannot drag himself into a restaurant. It simply isn't done. And I _am _allergic to sunlight. . . ."

He stood up and surveyed his surroundings as he twisted his hair between his thumb and forefinger. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a shopping cart with a paddle in it not to far from the bus. He got a burst of inspiration and opened the glove compartment and found a road map (which they didn't need because of the power of Fanfiction) and dragged himself over to the seat that was closest to the window closest to the shopping cart. He stood up on the seat and took out the window so there was only an empty square. He opened up the map and held it up over his head like a canopy and breathed deeply, for what he was about to do could go wrong in so many ways in the sense of physics. However, as we all know, proven facts hardly matter in the Land of Fanfiction, for it all depends on whether or not the authour likes the character and if it will supply a good laugh. Fortunately, the current authour had nothing against Near (despite all she put him through), and needed his plan to work to further the plot line which would equal more comedic bits to laugh at. Thus being, he jumped (because canon never said anything about that) out of the window and landed perfectly in the shopping cart and the road map landed perfectly over the top of the shopping cart, blocking the sun and saving Near from an allergic reaction. He took the paddle and held it out of the shopping cart and paddled himself towards the fast food joint.

"I probably look like a bum on drugs," he thought out loud. "Excuse me," he said to a passerby, "could you please open the door for me?"

XXX

"Oh, great. Another crazy person," Mello said sarcastically as a paddled shopping cart came in.

"I'll go get the hose after we get our food," Mat told him.

Suddenly, the person inside tore the map off the top and sat up straight. "I'm not a crazy person!" After looking around he added, "Damn, this place is screwed up."

"Near, what are you doing?" L asked. "See, this is why I don't take you anywhere."

"I wanted to know what was keeping you for so long."

"And now you know," L said. "Get back to the bus."

"Where'd you get that bus anyway?" Light asked.

"Borrowed it from somebody somewhere."

"What's the percentage that the guy will get it back?"

"He'll get it back when I'm done with it."

"A lot of kids will love you come September."

"Where's Misa and Rem?" Near asked.

"Still at the bathrooms probably."

"Why does it take so long for women to use the washroom anyway?"

"The fact that the line is out to Kansas may have something to do with – Ow! What was that for?!" Mello shouted as he rubbed the back of his head.

Near held his paddle in both hands as a smug look spread across his face. "Thought that I forgot about that 'little, girlie man' comment, didn't you?"

Mello responded by flipping Near and the shopping cart over.

"Near! Get up _now_!"

"Oh, no!" a pretty and well-developed teenage girl cried out from among the tables. She and her equally pretty and well-developed teenage girl friends all rushed over (pushing and shoving through the crowd, mind you) and crowded around the fallen orphan. "Are you okay, little boy?"

"Hello, ladies," Mello said in a seductive kind of voice.

A blonde in a mini skirt turned to him. "You're so mean! Look what you did to that poor innocent child!" Then she proceeded to beat the living hell out of him with her handbag.

"Ow! What the hell do you got in that thing?! Bricks?!"

"Three of them!"

"Don't worry, sweetie," the first girl said as she turned the shopping cart right side up and pushed Near along. "We have enough food to share some with you! But how come you're in the cart?"

"I can't walk."

"Ohhh! Poor thing! Support hugs!" Then the entire group of girls embraced him lovingly.

"Thanks, ladies," Near said. "You really are too kind."

"Hyuk, hyuk," Ryuuk laughed. "That's a lucky guy."

"Maybe we should get some carts for ourselves and have Mello tip the rest of us over," Mat suggested as he watched in jealousy as Near laughed with his new female friends, surrounded by food.

"Oh, sure, make me out to be the bad guy."

"The only reason that those girls like him is because they think that he's a sickly, little kid," Light said. "If we tried it, they'd think that we were just goofing off and ignore us."

"Remind me to kick him extra hard when we're back on the bus," L said.

"Hell, I'll kick him, too."

Suddenly, Misa came stomping up towards them. "I _hate_ public washrooms!" she yelled. "And whoever's in charge of maintenance needs a wake up call! And how come there's never a line for the boys washroom?! And you're still waiting?!"

"Yes," L simply stated.

"Well, whatever. I'm going to get a table."

"Screw that," Mat said. "We're burning daylight, woman! We're eating on the bus."

"What is with men that they've got to be there as soon as possible?"

'There's Canadian beer at the end of the road. . . ."

"Of course," Misa replied sarcastically. "As long as there's beer around. You know that in Germany you can order beer with your order at McDonalds?"

Mat's eyes widened and his mouth stood agape. "Get outta here!"

"I'm serious!" Misa cried. "I went up with some friends once!"

After another half hour of mind-numbing boredom (even Mat was hit by it, because his Nintendo DS ran out of power during the wait) they heard a man in front of them gasp. They all looked up and saw him collapse to the ground, clutching his chest.

"It wasn't me!" Light hissed at the six heads that turned towards him.

'Then who . . . ?" Mello said right before he noticed a familiar blonde model tuck away a black notebook. "Misa!"

"Hmm?"

"Maybe if we all leave quickly and calmly, nobody will notice," L whispered as a few people began to notice the dead body. "Where's Near?"

Rem looked over towards the tables where the white-haired teenager was last seen. "He's still talking with his new friends."

"I'll get him," L said as he walked to where the orphan was socializing. "Come on, Near. It's time to go. Get back in your cart and start paddling."

Near ignored his recent tormentor and continued to talk to the girls who had all taken an instant liking to him since they had rushed to his aid when Mello flipped him over, and were not about to give him up for hell or high water.

"Near, we have to leave."

"Aw, does he have to?" the girl closest to him asked as she held him close to her.

"Yes, he does."

"No!" all the girls cried out as they all lunged for Near. "He has to stay with us!"

"I'm not going anywhere with you," Near told L. "I like these girls. They treat me as an equal, they take what I say into account, and they let me stay in the Mickey D's! Go get Mello to work the pedals!"

All the girls clapped and cheered and hugged him for his speech. "Yay! You go Near! We love you!"

"Thank you, ladies. I love you, too." He turned to L and said. "When was the last time _you _ever praised me like that?"

L chewed the end of his thumb in thought. "Do you remember that one time on that hot summer day when you got my frisbee off the tin roof on your hands and knees?"

"That was _years_ ago!" Near pointed out. "And you thanked the _ladder_, not me!"

"What can I say, it was a good ladder."

"You don't deserve to hang out with such a cute, little guy!" another girl accused.

"Please, Megumi, I can handle this," Near told her in the most gentlest voice he could muster.

"Look, you little harem," L started. "You're coming with us whether you like it, or not. Get your little friends' e-mails and phone numbers and let's go."

"Never! I refuse to go back, you orphan driver!"

"I promise that if you come back, we'll let you beat the crap out of Mello with your paddle without question."

"The answer is still no,"

"Look, kid, what do you want?" L groaned. "I'll give you whatever you want, just get on the bus."

A wicked smile spread across Near's face. He turned to his female fan club and crawled into his shopping cart, clutching his Happy Meal toy. "Well, ladies, it's been fun and I'll never forget your random acts of kindness. You will all have a special place in my heart. I must leave now, but I will call you all from time to time and maybe we can meet again someday. The best of luck to all of you and goodbye."

"We'll miss you too, Near!"they all wailed as buckets of tears fell from their eyes.

"So can we go now?"

"One second," Near told him. He then took hold of his trusty paddle and sped through the restaurant. Apparently, people got out of the way for orphan-driven shopping carts.

"L'S REAL NAME IS DICK FOCKER!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE!! THE WORLD'S BEST DETECTIVE, L, HAS THE GIVEN NAME, DICK FOCKER!!

"YOU LITTLE SON OF A – "

The door suddenly slammed open and the rest of the road trip gang stood there in absolute shock (except for Light who had stolen Mello's camera and started taking pictures of the scene). "IT IS NOT!"

"Of course it isn't," Misa said. "I saw his name once."

"Does anyone care that a man just died of a heart attack?" a paramedic cried out as he and his co-worker hauled the Death Note victim onto a stretcher.

"No!" everybody yelled as they recorded L and Near screaming and paddling through the building on their cell phones. Youtube wouldn't know what hit it that night.

"Bets here!" Mello cried as Mat collected money from the eager gamblers. "Place your bets. The odds favour the black-haired one over the white-haired one!"

"Hey! Dick's hurting Near!" the leader of Near's fangirls shouted as L yanked Near's paddle away and proceeded to beat his skull in with it. "Get him!"

"Fire truck," L stated right before the six or seven fangirls jumped him and started relentlessly beating him with purses and stiletto heels.

"L's outnumbered!" Mello cried. "Come on, Mat! We've got to help him!"

"Free for all!" someone from the lines shouted as everybody began to jump into the fray.

After many minutes of animal instinct-driven fighting, Mello and Mat managed to escape to under a table that was bolted tightly to the ground (because if it wasn't, somebody would have thrown it by then).

"Okay, Mat, it's getting brutal out there," Mello said. "Are you ready to bring out our secret weapon?"

Mat's face lit up. "You mean it?!"

Mello nodded and pulled out a bottle that couldn't be sold to anyone under the age of nineteen. "Just pretend this is a bar."

"Don't worry. I probably won't be able to tell the difference."

XXX

"Where's Mello and Mat?" Light yelled as he used a tray as a shield.

'What're _you _looking at?" a drunken, slurred voice asked.

Light looked over and saw goggle-wearing redhead take out the man opposite him in one blow.

"Mello!" he shouted. "Where'd Mat get the liquor?!"

"Ya, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Mat laughed as he lifted a large table over his head and threw it towards a group of people and were taken out instantly. "I am the Lizard King!"

Suddenly, the manager finally came out of his office and stared anger-stricken at his battle zone of a restaurant.

"Don't worry, guys, I'll handle this," Mat said, still drunk, to the ceased warriors. He stepped forward and a big smile took up his face. "Hello, Mr. Manager!"

All the fighters face-palmed. "We're screwed."

"What happened?!" The Manager shouted.

"Funny thing, actually," Mat began. "You see, my buddies and I were on our way out, but one of them didn't wanna go, so my other buddy decided to persuade him over -hic! 'Scuse me- and it kind of got ugly." He stopped for a second and added, "So in other words, it's all Ronald McDonald's fault."

The Manager turned to the crowd. "Is this guy with anyone?"

Nobody moved an inch and all stared blankly.

'Mello's with me," Mat spoke up. "So is Light, 'n' Misa, 'n' L, 'n' Near, 'n' a couple of Shinagami, but you can't see them."

The Manager turned to the crowd, probably writing off Ryuuk and Rem as a figment of Mat's boozed-up imagination. "Is this guy with anyone?"

Nobody moved an inch and all stared blankly.

"Mello's with me," Mat spoke up. "So is Light, 'n' Misa, 'n' L, 'n' Near . . . ."

"What, not me?" Ryuuk asked. "Gee, that fight was entertaining. Can you do it again?"

"Will those people please step forward?"

Nobody moved.

The Manager sighed. "Okay, can you point them out to me, kid?" he asked Mat.

"Mello's the guy with the scar on his face," Mat started. "Light's the guy with the Abercrombie and Finch attire with the red tray who looks like he wants to kill me right now, Misa's the blonde with the pigtails with the gothic look, L's the one with the big eyes, black hair, and really pale skin, and Near's the one under the shopping cart. He's not a bum, or anything, he just can't walk. Or at least, canon never let him walk . . . ."

"Well, y'all are banned for life," the Manager declared. "Please do not return for as long as you may live."

Mat made the okay sign with his fingers. "Okie dokie, then!" He turned to the others. "Party's over! We have to go now! Somebody help Near!"

XXX

"Well, that sucked," Light said when they were all back in the bus, a vast majority beaten and bruised.

"Ahh! My skin! I'm melting! I'm melting!" Near shouted out in pain. "You know I'm allergic to sunlight, L!"

"That's exactly why I did it," L replied as Near reached for the First Aid kit. "The important thing is that we still don't have any food."

"That's what you think," Mello said and pulled out a Happy Meal bag.

"So you bothered to steal something and that's all you got?" Light asked, obviously disappointed. "How are we going to split one Happy Meal between eight people?!"

"Well, technically, we don't have to share with Near because he already ate with all his girlfriends, and do Shinigami need to eat?"

"If there are any apple slices in there, then yes," Ryuuk said.

"Who are you people?!" Mat, still drunk, asked.

"And I'm on a dangerous, new celebrity diet!" Misa exclaimed. "Nothing but a cup of lettuce and grapefruit juice a day for me!"

"Misa, I told you that you're beautiful just the way you are," L said. "You don't need a diet."

"Tell her after lunch, L," Mello said. He turned back to the bag. "So we really only have to split a grilled cheese sandwich between four people."

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"For curiosity's sake, is this Ronald McDonald fellow a Shinagami?" Ryuuk asked.

"No, he's a clown," Light replied. "What made you think that?"

"All that stuff on his face and the big mouth, probably," Near said.

"I wish you brought the kid's drink," L said. "I could use the ice."

"That's what happens when you beat up poor, defenseless orphans," Near said. "And I've already got the cold pack."

"You're so lucky that I hurt too much to care."

"I get to drive," Mello announced.

"How come?" L asked.

"I bring food, I drive bus," he said proudly.

"You brought a kid's grilled cheese sandwich!" Light cried. "That's next to nothing!"

"I don't see any of you bringing out anything better."

Everybody reluctantly agreed to that.

"Besides," Mello added, "L and Near had it all day."

"Fine," L said as he got off the driver's seat and dragged Near away from the pedals. "Don't break anything."

"Don't worry," Mello said. "I drive a motorcycle. It can't be that different. Now where's the thing that makes it go?"

"In Disneyworld!" Mat shouted out, then hiccuped.

Everybody else dropped their heads and sweat dropped. "This cannot be good."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N: And that's a very long chapter 3! Seriously, this is my longest chapter for anything yet. I think I'm getting better! Now, I know one of you said, "It could be worse, Mello could be driving." Thanks a lot for that, 'cause guess what? He's driving! And Near got a bit of a break in this chapter with all the teenage girls running around. Lol! Like always, please review!**


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